Beers Negotiations

TRANSCRIPT OF BORDER NEGOTIATION SESSION OF 11 NOV 96


BETWEEN

THE UNITED SLABOVIAN EMPIRE,

REPRESENTED BY CDR P GODDARD,


AND

THE KINGDOM OF BEERS,

REPRESENTED BY AMBASSADOR PHIL SEDDON.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

Cdr Goddard: Ahh You must be Mr. Seddon.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes, the Ambassador of Beers....how are you this morning?

Cdr Goddard: Aarrrghh. Border negotiations....I've had a cup and a half of coffee....Things are going great!

Ambassador Seddon: I did bring some real beer because of our trade embargo....I see here, that this is where our last cases have gone. There seems to be some smuggling happening...Beers in Slabovia....you are aware that only light beers are being exported?

Cdr Goddard: Well....

Ambassador Seddon: And here I come and find Beer!

Cdr Goddard: Well sir, in my understanding, Molson's Canadian *is* light beer.

Ambassador Seddon: Um...ah...we take offense to that. This is one of our finest brews.

Cdr Goddard: Really?

Ambassador Seddon: But we did bring some and it seems that Slabovia has been smuggling.

Cdr Goddard: (To Clarke) Have you been smuggling?

Lt(JG) Clarke: Not to my knowledge sir.

Ambassador Seddon: This kind of sheds a whole new light on our negotiations. We came bearing gifts...

Cdr Goddard: We appreciate this

Ambassador Seddon: ...to start the negotiations off on a good foot...but, I don't know...So how are we going to handle this?

Cdr Goddard: Let me look at the files on this subject...(looking through papers)

Ambassador Seddon: Ahh, King Bud is sorry he can't be here.

Cdr Goddard: That's too bad.

Ambassador Seddon: There's a problem with Mrs. Wieser...

Cdr Goddard: Is there?

Ambassador Seddon: Yes...a health issue...She's come down with a yeast infection again. He hops that she'll beer batter soon.

Cdr Goddard: Well, best wishes to Mrs. Weiser on behalf of all Slabovia.

Ambassador Seddon: Thank you.

Cdr Goddard: (slugging back beer) Geez that's cold!

Ambassador Seddon: It is. Thank you.

Cdr Goddard: Bud Weiser's work is wonderful as usual. Up to his usual standards. Now, we seem to have a problem with a fire hydrant.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes. That fire hydrant is desperately needed for our new brewery. It is a source of water, which is, although a minor component in beer, a much needed one.

Cdr Goddard: There are no other sources of water near by that you can use?

Ambassador Seddon: Not really, historically we've had no problem acquiring what Beers wants. What Beers wants, Beers gets. So, um, yeah. We want that hydrant.

Cdr Goddard: Well, the hydrant is of course ours.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, that's debatable.

Cdr Goddard: No, its clearly laid out in the treaty.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, I have managed to read the treaty...from cover to cover. (referring to Goddard's copy) You look shy a few chapters there actually.

Cdr Goddard: Well, we're still working on the decryption of the later chapters.

Ambassador Seddon: You don't have the original one here that King Bud himself signed?

Cdr Goddard: That King Bud himself signed? No. I thought you had it.

Ambassador Seddon: I do.

Cdr Goddard: Ahh. well, we don't....it kind of got lost in the shuffle.

Ambassador Seddon: How am I supposed to negotiate with someone as ill prepared as this?

Cdr Goddard: Well we do have all the sections relevant to the situation, and to Beers itself.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay, so let me propose we --

Cdr Goddard: Well, my initial proposal is that we do nothing. The fire hydrant clearly belongs to Slabovia.

Ambassador Seddon: Doh. So Beers will just have to take back....change its position and think seriously about a full embargo.

Cdr Goddard: Mmmm. That would not be met well with Slabovia.

Ambassador Seddon: There must be some way we can avoid this.

Cdr Goddard: It would be tragic if such a rather petty situation were to evolve into something serious and requiring ...what's the term....armed response?

Ambassador Seddon: We like Arms. Arms are our best customer. They come in handy for drinking beer.

Cdr Goddard: This is true.

Ambassador Seddon: Hmmm. Thinking back, you need to have friendly relations with Beers. What can we do here?

Cdr Goddard: Well, that's a good question Phil. We could come conceivably come up with some joint operating agreement, with regards to the fire hydrant. Slabovia is NOT prepared to give up its sovereignty. Nor any of its territory so hardly fought for in the bore and ...

Ambassador Seddon: Yeah, but we basically lost that hydrant in the bore.

Cdr Goddard: Lost it?

Ambassador Seddon: Yeah, it was part of our territory before.

Cdr Goddard: It was part of your territory for a few years, but it has been historically a part of Slabovian territory since time immemorial.

Ambassador Seddon: hmm

Cdr Goddard: The actual sovereignty of the territory belonging to, if you will, the fire hydrant is not debatable and is not negotiable.

Ambassador Seddon: hmmm.

Cdr Goddard: The fire hydrant must remain Slabovian and it must remain in Slabovian territory. However, in pursuit of friendlier relationships with Beers, and ignoring the fact that you simply pulled this embargo on us without even asking us about operating requirements.

Ambassador Seddon: It's not an embargo as such. Its a moral trade sanction...we're just shipping light. But it appears that --

Cdr Goddard: Oh, how long have these been here? These have been here a long time.

Lt(JG) Clarke: These arrived here courtesy of the Secret Service a few days ago.

Ambassador Seddon: I just checked the ah, code on the side of the case and that's this month's brew.

Cdr Goddard: Really?

Ambassador Seddon: Yes.

Cdr Goddard: Well, that seems to be rather shocking. I mean, it's shocking, more that this would be allowed to happen by you.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, no, it's obvious that someone has crossed into Beers territory --

Cdr Goddard: Which is not an offense in itself --

Ambassador Seddon: And liberated goods that were not meant for export.

Cdr Goddard: Well --

Ambassador Seddon: In fact, the duties owed to King Bud would not have been paid on those cases. Therefore, that's, that's, almost, like, theft. People in Slabovia are raping Beers.

Lt(JG) Clarke: But Beers is letting us do it.

Ambassador Seddon: Well --

Cdr Goddard: The security at Beers, on the Beers border, regarding this embargo is, PATHETIC to say the least, to allow us to simply walk into the beer store and take what we wanted, then leave again, unmolested and uncontested --

Ambassador Seddon: So you're admitting to having prior knowledge of --

Cdr Goddard: No. No, I'm merely repeating what would be a hypothetical situation of the liberation of the beer.

Ambassador Seddon: I think this came from King Bud's own private stock, though.

Cdr Goddard: Wouldn't that perhaps indicate to you that King Bud himself has sanctioned the removal of this from his stock?

Ambassador Seddon: No --

Cdr Goddard: If not, perhaps tacitly, implicitly, approved of our having beer?

Ambassador Seddon: Ah yes, but only lite beer, because we do need the hydrants to uh, you know, increase our production --

Cdr Goddard: Mm hm.

Ambassador Seddon: And King Bud can't build a megabrewery on the assumption that yes, you will allow him access to it --

Cdr Goddard: Mm hm.

Ambassador Seddon: He requires that, that, that small part --

Cdr Goddard: He requires the water from the hydrant, more, to be more precise.

Ambassador Seddon: No, he needs, he needs to have ownership of the hydrant before he can proceed. The water from the hydrant would leave us in a very vulnerable position, after we build our megabrewery.

Cdr Goddard: How so?

Ambassador Seddon: Um, Slabovia could cut off the water supply to the brewery! And then we would have invested all our time and energy and, thousands of --

Cdr Goddard: Perhaps that's the next step in these negotiations, Mr. Seddon, to assure that this does not happen.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, but --

Cdr Goddard: Slabovia's perfectly willing to share. We're perfectly willing to, in fact, to GIVE AWAY the water from the hydrant, at no cost whatsoever to King Bud.

Ambassador Seddon: Hmmm...... I wonder if it would be possible to put through a call to King Bud.

Lt(JG) Clarke: That could be arranged.

Cdr Goddard: Could that be arranged?

Lt(JG) Clarke: That could definitely be arranged.

Cdr Goddard: Arrange it.

Clarke makes a call over the speakerphone.

Cdr MacGillivray: Op Centre.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Uh, yes, we have a request here to put a call through to King Bud?

Cdr MacGillivray: Oh, I think we can take care of that.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Excellent, thank you very much.

Clarke hands the phone to Seddon.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. Thank you. Yes, I'm trying to reach King Bud.

Cdr MacGillivray: Okay. Stand by.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, yes, the -- off the speakerphone would be a good idea.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Certainly.

Ambassador Seddon: Thank you. I believe this line is secure. Um, have I reached King Bud? You're still trying? Ah, thank you. Oh, please try until you reach him.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Um, he's not reachable.

Ambassador Seddon: I believe this line has gone dead. Ah, ah, there we are, there's somebody there now. Your Highness? Ah. How are you this fine morning, Sir? Yes. Oh, there seems to be a little, ah, a little problem here, uh, they don't seem to want to give up the hydrant at all. Yes, that would be a very unfortunate incident, don't you think? Ah. Now this is King Bud Weiser I'm talking to? Ah, okay. Um. They have offered us water for free, but as you were planning to build your brewery, there, I'm not sure. Yes. Okay. And, if not, can we go ahead with -- okay. Right. Ah. That's a very good point. Thank you. Bye now. (He hangs up.) We need the hydrant. Lock, stock, barrel and hydrant.

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm. Impossible.

Ambassador Seddon: Well. I'm sorry. As of noon today, there is a full-scale embargo of beer.

Cdr Goddard: Well, that's, um, actually --

Ambassador Seddon: Now, I did receive some correspondence from one of your representatives, the first person I made contact with, I believe his name was Mike?

Cdr Goddard: Oh yeah, Capt. Dosenbach.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, yes. Let's face it, he's gonna be pissed.

Cdr Goddard: Certainly. And I'm quite prepared to deal with my own commanders and my own hierarchy.

Lt(JG) Clarke: I think I have some paperwork on that.

He makes a call.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Yes, could you connect me to the library, please.

Ambassador Seddon: All this happens on a call, well --

Cdr Goddard: No.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Hello? Yes, um, okay. I was wondering, do we have information, stored, with communications from Capt. Dosenbach, uh, to file. On file. Indicating, um, any positions or issues regarding the fire hydrant. Okay, all right, and, um, you don't have anybody, in effect. Hm. Okay. Thank you very much.

Ambassador Seddon: I guess King Bud will have to draw up the appropriate documents and we'll have to rethink our relationship with Slabovia.

Cdr Goddard: Well, in the case of that happening, um, I'm, I really must warn you that a certain, puppy involved in this --

Ambassador Seddon: The Fritzi Line, yes, where --

Cdr Goddard: Yeah, Fritzi, Fritzi himself, should things go badly here today, will be more of a, um, a SMEAR than a LINE, shall we say?

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. Hm. Okay. Well I would say things have gone badly today.

Cdr Goddard: Well, nobody wants --

Ambassador Seddon: Ah but see, Beers, are, we're usually um, a well-mannered, fun-loving bunch of people.

Cdr Goddard: I agree. And Slabovia and Beers have had a wonderful relationship over the years. Much good times for all -- as much as we can remember, anyways.

Ambassador Seddon: What I can foresee happening is, um, if we have a full-scale embargo, that would leave far too many beers in Beers territory, and you know as I know, people that have too many beers can sometimes lead to violent acts.

Cdr Goddard: Nobody wants violence.

Ambassador Seddon: No, no, we don't at all.

Cdr Goddard: Well then --

Ambassador Seddon: We don't at all. We, we would just like to ensure the hydrant --

Cdr Goddard: Slabovia wants more beers.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, that's why we're building that --

Cdr Goddard: Exactly. Now, the thing is as well -- I have authorization to tell you, and you only. Slabovia --

Lt(JG) Clarke: Should I leave, Sir?

Cdr Goddard: No. You're just -- just don't hear anything. After the end of the bore, of course, Slabovia's economy was a shambles, the military of course had to step in to take command and control of, the populace. And we are very slowly rebuilding our economy, and one of the most essential points in the new Slabovian economy that has been pointed out by our monarch is the rebuilding of the couch potato sector of the economy.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, yes, this is very important, very important.

Cdr Goddard: Exactly. And far, FAR too long neglected.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes.

Cdr Goddard: Now, in rebuilding the couch potato sector of the economy, we are willing to sign an exclusive agreement with King Bud Weiser to supply the beers so, SO desperately needed for the maintenance and the growth of couch potatoes.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay...

Cdr Goddard: I believe that, given the nature of the Slabovian populace, this would translate to, shall we say, hefty profits for King Bud.

Ambassador Seddon: Right...

Cdr Goddard: As well as providing for the growth of the Slabovian economy.

Ambassador Seddon: Well of course.

Cdr Goddard: In a symbiotic relationship.

Ambassador Seddon: Right, right. Okay, now that's, this is sounding better, this is sounding more like we're gonna work together here.

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Ambassador Seddon: Um, but again, King Bud just cannot afford, and build his megabrewery without that stable water source. So it all comes back to the --

Cdr Goddard: Well, what I was saying earlier, is in creating this joint agreement for the supply of beers to couch potatoes --

Ambassador Seddon: Right.

Cdr Goddard: Slabovia is willing to sign an indefinite-term agreement to the exclusive use, by Beers, of water from the fire hydrant.

Ambassador Seddon: King, um, no, no, King Bud says he needs the hydrant in his territory in order to feel comfortable in going forward.

The phone rings.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Uh, Fleet Ops. Uh, just a minute, I'll see if I can connect you to the Bore Room. Bore Room. Nuh, just a second, uh, Cdr Goddard:?

Goddard takes the phone.

Cdr Goddard: Goddard. Mm-hm. Yeah. Thanks.

Goddard hangs up.

Cdr Goddard: My assistant is bringing in some, uh, news.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. Quite the comfy Bore Room you have here. Much smaller than the one at Beers but, nonetheless, quite nice.

Goddard is handed some news.

Cdr Goddard: Thank you. Mm-hm. Well, we have a dilemma here.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes.

Cdr Goddard: Slabovia needs the fire hydrant to remain in Slabovia. But we don't need the water.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay...

Cdr Goddard: Now we're prepared, as I said, to give the water away.

Ambassador Seddon: Right...

Cdr Goddard: In the understanding that it will be used for the megabrewery.

Ambassador Seddon: Oh, of course, uh, the --

Cdr Goddard: And in the understanding --

Ambassador Seddon: Beers is a, uh, you know a, uh, an honourable country. We wouldn't use the water to make that carbonated gas stuff.

Cdr Goddard: Of course.

Lt(JG) Clarke: And --

Cdr Goddard: Nobody --

Ambassador Seddon: An honourable --

Cdr Goddard: Nobody here is suggesting that, Mr. Seddon -- imagine that!

Ambassador Seddon: I, okay, well, uh -- geez. It would be just for the beer. I'm glad we got THAT out of the way.

Cdr Goddard: Well, yes, that's a relief to everybody.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, you never know when you sit down with --

Cdr Goddard: That's true, you never know what surprises will come out.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, I've been told to, uh, basically keep these negotiations running until -- I basically can't return until I return the word of the fire hydrant being in Beers territory.

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm. Well. (to Clarke) Could you drum up a list of hotels, accommodations --

Lt(JG) Clarke: An Asylum Recommendation Form?

Cdr Goddard: No, that won't be necessary.

Ambassador Seddon: Uh, no, I can't leave the table.

Cdr Goddard: Oh.

Ambassador Seddon: A hotel -- most gracious, but what's the use in going to a hotel that only serves lite beer?

Cdr Goddard: That is a problem.

Ambassador Seddon: When I have some of our finest beer?

Cdr Goddard: Here's what I don't understand.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay.

Cdr Goddard: It's a more than generous offer that we've put on the table. Why is it that Beers needs the fire hydrant to be in Beers?

Ambassador Seddon: Well, in order to build a megabrewery... I'm sure Slabovia, when it makes it's juice, would certainly make sure that its water supply is in Slabovia's territory.

Cdr Goddard: The other thing we do, of course, with regards to that, is that we sign a mutual, long-term agreement with Mecca to assure our Coke supply.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay.

Cdr Goddard: Because Mecca itself, is not Slabovian, and is not in Slabovian territory. However, we can assure a steady supply of the Liquid of Life for centuries to come.

Ambassador Seddon: That leaves you very vulnerable.

Cdr Goddard: Well, it might -- except that, of course, if anything should happen in this agreement, the consequences will be far too unpleasant, for both sides, should any side abrogate the agreement. King of a Sword of Damocles approach. A little crude, I admit, but it works. Mecca supplies us with Coca-Cola, and we consume Coca-Cola in disgustingly insane amounts.

Ambassador Seddon: Right.

Lt(JG) Clarke: A very symbiotic relationship.

Cdr Goddard: It is.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, we'd like to establish that kind of relationship. Because I'm too civilized.

Cdr Goddard: We'd like to create that relationship ourselves.

Ambassador Seddon: For your couch potato sector.

Cdr Goddard: We need to build our couch potato sector.

Ambassador Seddon: And I know that you have pictures of our very strong ally, Hoover.

Cdr Goddard: I wasn't aware of that.

Ambassador Seddon: Oh yes. We're like this. We're right beside each other in the fridge.

Cdr Goddard: Really?

Ambassador Seddon: Yes.

Cdr Goddard: Well, I mean, you certainly know of our relationship with Hoover Dam.

Ambassador Seddon: Right.

Cdr Goddard: And Capt. Dosenbach's personal relationship with Hoover Dam.

Ambassador Seddon: I might be a little bit behind on --

Cdr Goddard: Ah, well, you missed out on the social event of the last decade. I mean, Capt. Dosenbach, my superior officer and head of SUCKUPS, last September married the daughter of the High Commissioner of --

Ambassador Seddon: Oh,yes, of course, I'm familiar with that. That was when?

Cdr Goddard: That was last September.

Ambassador Seddon: Um.

Cdr Goddard: And the relationship is progressing quite well.

Ambassador Seddon: My personal relations own property, and dwell, fifteen minutes from Hoover Dam.

Cdr Goddard: Really?

Ambassador Seddon: And I quite regularly, two or three times a year, go and make a personal visit. And the last time I was there, August-September, actually I'm leaving in a month and a half to go again, just to firm up our relationship. We speak quite freely, and seeing as how Hoover's on one side and we're on the other, a serious embargo of beers, our friends are quite willing to shut down the margarita mixers as well, to back us up. We're kind of the alcoholic trade union.

Cdr Goddard: That's much more serious than I thought.

Ambassador Seddon: So it would leave Slabovia without beers, of course, and it would also leave --

Cdr Goddard: I'm --

Ambassador Seddon: This is a very --

Cdr Goddard: I'm curious as to how the High Commissioner of the Hoover Damites would take this -- does he even know? We haven't received anything from him.

Ambassador Seddon: I've asked him to keep it unofficial.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Not recently. I know there was some flash traffic going out to him last night, and I'm not exactly sure, how with the time zone bill, exactly what the status is for the situation at this present moment.

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Now, I could find out for you, if you would wish, if you desire communication with the commander of the Hoover Damites.

Cdr Goddard: Thank you.

Ambassador Seddon: Maybe I should have kept that under my hat, because, uh, it was kind of on the QT --

Cdr Goddard: You're not wearing a hat.

Ambassador Seddon: I know. I looked for my headgear this morning, it's actually in storage.

Cdr Goddard: Isn't that unfortunate when that happens -- you try to keep things under your hat and then you lose your hat.

Ambassador Seddon: I've stored my hat.

Cdr Goddard: You've stored your hat?

Ambassador Seddon: I've stored my hat.

Cdr Goddard: Ah.

Ambassador Seddon: I keep a lot of things under my hat and I have to store it.

Cdr Goddard: We have much the same problem with our documentation.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, you have a paper trail?

Cdr Goddard: I wouldn't say it's much a TRAIL, a trail is perhaps a misleading term, but there is paper. And other things. Milk cartons, scraps of napkins...

Ambassador Seddon: Beers has kind of jumped into the electronic age, and everything we have is stored in, it's all high-tech, it's apparently a system of ones and zeros, so we have every important document on a string of Christmas lights, and these smart people apparently have a language of ones and zeros and they can look up at the lights and that's how we transfer our information.

Cdr Goddard: No, I don't, no, I can't believe that.

Ambassador Seddon: Oh yes. It's all very high tech.

Cdr Goddard: Really?

Ambassador Seddon: Yes.

Cdr Goddard: That's quite, that's quite amazing. You don't lose anything that way?

Ambassador Seddon: Uh... well... we have... we have had a problem once. We had a burnt- out bulb, and, actually, our brew, instead of being 5%, was coming out at 5.5 and we didn't know, but -- no harm was done, it was only one burnt bulb, but apparently that became a zero instead of a one, but that's the only time we've had a problem with that.

The phone rings.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Bore Room. Okay, just a minute. (to Goddard) We have the aide-de- camp to the High Commissioner of the Hoover Damites. Is that sufficient?

Cdr Goddard: Yeah.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Very good. Just a minute, I'm putting you through.

Cdr Goddard: Cdr Goddard: here. Yes, I was -- I don't. Uh-huh. Yes. Well, we have a, we have a misunderstanding here. We've just been -- who is Mr. Seddon? Mr. Seddon is the ambassador from King Bud Weiser of Beers? And we're looking to --

Ambassador Seddon: Is that one of my union brothers?

Cdr Goddard: It's the aide-de-camp from the Hoover Damites.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, okay, he's not...

Cdr Goddard: He's, uh, he's a representative of the High Commissioner.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay, so I'm not even sure if he's in the alcoholic trade union or not.

Cdr Goddard: Excuse me -- are you in the alcoholic trade union?

Ambassador Seddon: Mm. So, you've reached the flunkey of the third door past the john and -

Lt(JG) Clarke: I think so.

Cdr Goddard: We've reached the water closet operator.

Laughter.

Ambassador Seddon: So we are then to assume that everything that comes out of his mouth is shit.

Cdr Goddard: Yes.

Ambassador Seddon: Well. Okay.

Cdr Goddard: That'll be all. Thank you very much.

He hangs up.

Ambassador Seddon: That's more of an annoyance.

Cdr Goddard: That's extremely annoying. What this indicates to me, however, is that the High Commissioner of the Hoover Damites is not trusting even his own people with this information.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, I've asked him to keep everything on the QT, in the hopes that we can come to a -- get something resolved here...

Cdr Goddard: Well in terms of a civilized agreement, surely you agree that changing the nationality of any portion of the populace, no matter how minor, is a serious act, a serious inconvenience for both nationalities, required new passports, new birth certificates, new death certificates --

Ambassador Seddon: I wasn't aware --

Cdr Goddard: New ration cards --

Ambassador Seddon: That there was any inhabitants along the Fritzi Line. There's just the fire hydrant out there, to my understanding. And all you have to do is just move it, just that litle bit, so that the hydrant falls into Beers territory. Now this is kind of my, my trump card, but King Bud has authorized me -- there's two approaches here, two options. We'll make our premium beer, our 5.5 beer, and sell it only to Slabovia, at regular beer prices, in return for the hydrant being turned over to Beers. Does that sound like a -- something we could do here?

Cdr Goddard: I'd like to hear the other approach.

Ambassador Seddon: Well. I need more beer to think about it. It, it, I, I, just lost it, um, I forgot what it was.

Cdr Goddard: Can you excuse me for a moment?

Ambassador Seddon: Oh, certainly.

Cdr Goddard: Thank you.

Goddard leaves.

Ambassador Seddon: I was afraid of that.

Goddard comes back -- with two bottles of Boreale Rousse.

Cdr Goddard: Can I call you Phil?

Ambassador Seddon: Certainly. Ah, this is one of our, um, our exports for, oh this is actually one of King Bud's finest... brews...

Cdr Goddard: Listen to this, Phil.

Ambassador Seddon: And, this one is being covered by our trade sanctions as well.

Cdr Goddard: Yes it is, Phil.

Ambassador Seddon: Well. I'm just starting to wonder here. Uh... Well the other, uh, the other way we could approach this, um, I, I don't have any thoughts... how does our first one -- our first offer sound?

Cdr Goddard: Again, I have to reiterate, that the changing of the nationality of the fire hydrant is out of the question for Slabovia. The fire hydrant has been identified from an extremely high level, as essential to Slabovia. For now, for the past, for the future. We cannot, in fact, give up the fire hydrant to anybody. No matter how well-intentioned they may be. And no matter for what high and noble purposes. We simply cannot give up the fire hydrant. There is sentimental attachment to the fire hydrant on the part of the Slabovian people.

Ambassador Seddon: Oh, of course.

Cdr Goddard: And, should it be known that we here, that one small person such as myself, had given up the fire hydrant to any other country, even if it is Beers, such a trusted and worthy ally -- if that were to become known by the Slabovian people, there would be revolution, rioting in the streets, your borders would be certainly overcome in a desperate attempt to get the beers that Slabovian wants and needs. The chaos factor, in short, would be so great as to prohibit our even considering giving up the hydrant.

Ambassador Seddon: Well, I'm gonna have to take a minute here and consult with the Beer God -- um, you realize, King Bud Weiser is below the Beer God -- I'll have to ask the Beer God to go ahead with our Operation: Pussy.

Cdr Goddard: And this operation is...

Ambassador Seddon: Oh, it will become clear to you... at some point, but... What was that? Okay. Thank you. Our BFT, our beer communications system we have here, so everything seems fine there... hmm... So Slabovia has this hangup about giving it up.

Cdr Goddard: Unfortunately, after losing the fire hydrant in the bore, the demoralization that occurred in Slabovia was so great that of course no price was too high to pay to secure the return of the hydrant and many, many, many brave souls were lost in the battle for Fritzi.

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm.

Lt(JG) Clarke: That would be the battle for Fritzi's honour.

Cdr Goddard: It would be a disservice to those brave men and women of the Slabovian Armed Forces who fought and bled and died on those back yards to give up the hydrant now. That hydrant has been bled with the blood of Slabovia, Mr. Seddon, and it would be a disservice and a dishonour to the blood of Slabovia to give it up after such a long battle.

Ambassador Seddon: I think, what King Bud -- I mean, we shouldn't even have to mention this, but I'm sure King Bud would gladly dedicate a complete brand of beer to those fine souls. So every time somebody has a "Soldier" and then sees a dead soldier, will remember those honoured fighting Slabovians. What better way to honour their fight than to be immortalized forever in one of the finest brews, their blood to be consumed daily by Slabovians.

Cdr Goddard: That is truly, truly, truly a noble sentiment. It warms this soldier's heart --

Ambassador Seddon: I think King Bud would be very honoured to do that, and, actually, would be more than willing to come up with a recipe and take input from your soldiers, the hierarchy to come and make an official, an official Slabovian beer.

Cdr Goddard: Unfortunately, my duty is to the Slabovian people and not merely its armed forces.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes --

Cdr Goddard: And as such, the honouring of that long and hard battle must be more than symbolic.

Ambassador Seddon: I, I would hardly call a beer dedicated to those men "symbolic". I believe it could, to some degree, influence the couch potato market, and make them more aware of just what the Slabovian armed forces do. Not that we would like to get any off the couch, but there might be a little more couch potato Slabovian pride.

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Could I please interject?

Cdr Goddard: Yes.

Lt(JG) Clarke: As generous an offer as that appears, I do have some concern for the citizenry of Beers, and how they would feel about having a beer dedicated to the individuals who helped slaughter so many of their comrades.

Ambassador Seddon: Well --

Lt(JG) Clarke: It honours our cause, but it seems somewhat unjust to ask a nation to do something like that to their own people. I don't imagine it would go -- it would cause major domestic issues, would it not?

Ambassador Seddon: Slabovians -- Slabovians never slaughtered people in Beers. They were wasted before the Slabovians got there. So that's not an issue, and that happened many cases ago. The people of Beers are forgiving sorts, usually because they can't remember what they did the night before... so that's not an issue. And besides, it would be for export to Slabovia only. I mean, it wouldn't make any sense to keep it as a domestic product. That's a valid point, but... There must be a way Beers can acquire...

Cdr Goddard: I'm willing to offer you not only the water, but the rights to the land underneath the fire hydrant -- in other words, not only the water, but the water table.

Ambassador Seddon: The land underneath the hydrant.

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm. In fact, not only the water, not only the product but --

Ambassador Seddon: The property.

Cdr Goddard: Exactly. Excluding the hydrant itself.

Ambassador Seddon: This might take a minute, but I wonder if I could bring that to King Bud's attention.

Lt(JG) Clarke: I'd be happy to connect you.

Ambassador Seddon: That sounds... That sounds workable. I'm not saying he'll go for it... It gives him title to the land?

Cdr Goddard: It gives him to the actual land.

Ambassador Seddon: It just doesn't give him title to the hydrant.

Cdr Goddard: Exactly.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Here you go.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. Your Honour. Or, Your Worship -- or, Your Highness, that's it, yeah... I'm just sitting here consuming one of your finest at this very early hour... um... well, we've been offered title to the land underneath the fire hydrant and all the water we can have, I'm just wondering if that's, uh, um... Mm-hm... Okay, um... no need to go ahead with the pussy operation? Oh, okay, 'cause I thought that would be, yeah, most appropriate, and how would you like to proceed if needed? How does one, I didn't get a, quite a good enough link to the Beer God when I tried to talk to him, there was too much static, too much foam on the line. Ah. Ah. Um, there was, I believe there's, uh, a document or a... okay. Ah. And this would have to do with Pussy? No. No, which, which one is... yeah, and that is... because of? (to Goddard & Clarke) I'm, I'm sorry, I'm embarrassed here gentlemen, King Bud is, uh... he hasn't had his morning supply yet. He's not thinking rationally.

Lt(JG) Clarke: I did think that, if necessary, we may be able to supply you with a porcelain phone in order to have you communicate with the Beer God, should you desire.

Ambassador Seddon: You have a porcelain altar?

Lt(JG) Clarke: We do.

Ambassador Seddon: Mmm... well, this is starting to... I'm quite impressed with Slabovia, Your Highness...

Lt(JG) Clarke: It was short notice but we did manage to acquire one.

Ambassador Seddon: It's quite a nice country here and I think we should consider their offer. Okay. Yes, that sounds good to me too, Sir. Thank you. Bye now. (hangs up) Well. Um. King Bud was very much impressed with that offer. It sounds to me like we're... we can come to an agreement in principle here.

Cdr Goddard: All right, so let me reiterate exactly what the agreement is, just to keep things clear in my mind, after all, I have had a beer and a half and it's not even nine in the morning....

Ambassador Seddon: This is, I haven't had this in quite some time, it does taste, um, rather robust.

Cdr Goddard: It is rather robust.

Ambassador Seddon: For a sanctioned beer, rather robust. And flavourful.

Cdr Goddard: I agree. In Montsurreal, at DELPHI, this is one of the beers of choice.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah -- I would have thought it would have been one of our other brews, "Laurentide".

Cdr Goddard: No.

Ambassador Seddon: No?

Cdr Goddard: No.

Ambassador Seddon: Is that gone with the older crowd now?

Cdr Goddard: "Laurentide" is much more with the older crowd, a lot of the "Boreale" products, in fact, most bars will serve these on tap.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. So our keg supply is --

Cdr Goddard: The keg supply is really quite efficient, and quite ubiquitous. In fact, I would be surprised to find a bar in Montsurreal that did not have "Boreale" on tap.

Ambassador Seddon: Well.

Cdr Goddard: My congratulations to King Bud Weiser's distribution.

Ambassador Seddon: We feel touched -- what can I say, I'm embarrassed.

Cdr Goddard: No need, no need to be embarrassed, one can't keep track of everything -- as we well know?

(Goddard & Clarke break into maniacal laughter.)

Cdr Goddard: So. Just to reiterate the exchange of services. We give to Beers the complete right --

(A knock at the door.)

Cdr Goddard: Hello.

Cdr MacGillivray: Sounds like we're a lot happier in here now.

Cdr Goddard: We are!

Cdr MacGillivray: Good.

(He hands Goddard some paperwork. Goddard looks at it.)

Cdr Goddard: Oh, just a, we just had a weather update.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, okay, that wasn't the international news for...

Cdr Goddard: No no no, simply a weather update. It was snowing very heavily for about ten minutes, but the snow seems to have stopped and there was very little accumulation.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. Okay.

Cdr Goddard: We don't want your progress to be impeded in any fashion due to the weather.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay.

Cdr Goddard: I understand you have to be in, Dumdum?

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, yes, I need to depart by noon.

Cdr Goddard: Ah, well, that's fine, that should be fine, I assume that you're going --

Lt(JG) Clarke: Things are going much faster than we anticipated --

Cdr Goddard: For sure, for sure. So, let's get back to what I was saying earlier.

Ambassador Seddon: But yes, I --

Cdr Goddard: In exchange for the rights to the land and the water table underneath the fire hydrant, which will becomes Beers territory --

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm...

Cdr Goddard: Exclusive of the fire hydrant itself, which will remain Slabovian --

Lt(JG) Clarke: Now, that's the land directly underneath the fire hydrant, or all of the land, um --

Cdr Goddard: Up to the surface?

Lt(JG) Clarke: Are we talking simply the area of the base of the hydrant going down, or are we talking about an area larger than that?

Cdr Goddard: Well, we don't have any control over the area larger than that.

Lt(JG) Clarke: So we're talking about, the base of the fire hydrant is about that big around --

Cdr Goddard: We simply have control over the area from the base of the fire hydrant straight down, which is where the water comes from --

Lt(JG) Clarke: Okay. So there'd be like a, cylinder --

Cdr Goddard: Exactly --

Lt(JG) Clarke: -- of land, going, a cylindrical border --

Cdr Goddard: -- exactly --

Lt(JG) Clarke: -- going from the water, with --

Cdr Goddard: -- going from the topsoil, essentially, to the earth's core.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay. Now who looks after the maintenance of any flora and fauna growing above the topsoil?

Cdr Goddard: Well we do.

Ambassador Seddon: Does Slabovia -- as well as the upkeep of --

Cdr Goddard: The fire hydrant can take care of itself.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay...

Cdr Goddard: But Beers will have complete control, and sovereignty, over the land and the water underneath.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay, but we would -- the only squeaky wheel or sticky valve I see here is the valve in the hydrant. Is it possible to remove the valve to ensure that we have a non-stop flow of water.

Cdr Goddard: Well, the way I see it -- and forgive me if my knowledge of the operation of fire hydrants is faulty, it's been a long time since I was a fire hydrant inspector, lo those many many years ago, you know the number.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Indeed I do.

Cdr Goddard: But the valve simply regulates the flow of water within the fire hydrant itself, and from the fire hydrant out. Correct?

Ambassador Seddon: Um, well we have the two arms --

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm --

Ambassador Seddon: -- that supply the water out, that's where we would hook up our piping to --

Cdr Goddard: -- ahhhh --

Ambassador Seddon: -- and the valve is actually inside a nut on the top, that opens and allows water to flow from the --

Cdr Goddard: -- from the fire hydrant.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes.

Cdr Goddard: In that case, what we would have to develop -- and perhaps we could develop this jointly, between Beers and Slabovia --

Ambassador Seddon: -- Oh, I like that, working together --

Cdr Goddard: -- I do as well --

Ambassador Seddon: -- This is boding well.

Cdr Goddard: In order not to disturb the sanctity of the fire hydrant by removing its nut, and nobody likes to have his nuts removed --

Ambassador Seddon: No, I, I wouldn't -- okay, but maybe we could weld his nuts wide open.

Cdr Goddard: I don't think that would be very pleasant for the fire hydrant. I can't think of any Slabovian who'd like to have his nuts welded open.

Ambassador Seddon: But it's a fire hydrant, it's not a Slabovian...

Cdr Goddard: Well, we consider it a Slabovian.

Ambassador Seddon: I'm quite happy when my nuts are welded wide open.

Cdr Goddard: Really?

Ambassador Seddon: It's probably one of my --

Cdr Goddard: I'm perhaps thinking of gelded rather than welded.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes, well --

Cdr Goddard: Hmm...

Lt(JG) Clarke: Now this particular tape a lifrical hinting sort of be hanging in the breeze.

Cdr Goddard: Ooo.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Wouldn't they?

Cdr Goddard: I could see that as very unpleasant, I...

Lt(JG) Clarke: It depends on what you were being exposed to. A nice, warm, moist environment, it might not be nearly as, y'know, as, y'know, in snow.

Cdr Goddard: Or if one is, perhaps, Lt(JG) Morgan.

(Laughter.)

Cdr Goddard: However, what I was about to suggest, Mr. Seddon, is that Slabovia and Beers jointly develop technology which would enable Beers access to the water underneath the fire hydrant without disturbing the fire hydrant itself.

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Define a corridor within the fire hydrant through which the water could flow, through the fire hydrant, and that tiny corridor would be Beers territory?

Cdr Goddard: What I'm saying is that, since that, under the terms of this agreement, the corridor would be Beers territory, contiguous with the remainder of Beers territory as defined by the Fritzi Line. The water, instead of being removed from the nuts of the fire hydrant, would be removed from the corridor itself.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah...

Cdr Goddard: In other words, a penetration to the source.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Okay...

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm...

Cdr Goddard: Now, we have the finest engineering and infrastructure offices at your disposal. This project could easily be farmed out to EIEIO.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Oh, for sure.

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hmmm...

Lt(JG) Clarke: I'm sure SSHIT will want to have a look at it as well.

Ambassador Seddon: I think in that case, um... I think you should go ahead and draw up some documents, I think uh... we've reached an equitable solution here.

Cdr Goddard: Excellent. So. Let me just continue my reiteration of my understanding of our agreement. In exchange for this, in exchange for the rights to the water underneath the fire hydrant, the land corridor underneath the fire hydrant, and the ability to extract the water from underneath the fire hydrant, Beers in return will lift the embargo...

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hmm...

Cdr Goddard: Will dedicate a 5.5% --

Ambassador Seddon: That was for the hydrant itself --

Cdr Goddard: Personally, being a sentimental old soldier myself, I would greatly appreciate that and I think that would, as you said earlier, would greatly induce the couch potatoes of Slabovia to consume more Beers product.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes, but -- I do believe that, for that we'll have to, we have to wait. That was for the hydrant itself.

Cdr Goddard: And just between you and me, Phil -- the way we do this is to simply create, not a new beer, not a new kind of beer, but simply to use the regular old beer and use a new label...

Ambassador Seddon: Oh, no, we wouldn't do that, that's, we're an honourable country... But what I was wondering, um... kind of speaking off the record... our people have tried to... it has to do with Fritzi.

Cdr Goddard: Yeah?

Ambassador Seddon: Yeah. Damn bastard's too fast for our drunks... We've been trying to catch him for...

Cdr Goddard: You know what? When I sent out for the weather report? You never realized it. But we had more stuff in there.

Ambassador Seddon: Mm?

Cdr Goddard: Yeah, yeah. You know that cat ran across the neighbor's yard this morning?

Ambassador Seddon: Ah!

Cdr Goddard: Fritzi's been chasing the little fuck --

Ambassador Seddon: That's my Operation: Pussy! The Beer God is listening!

Cdr Goddard: Now, if you want to deal with the Fritzi problem, we've got a way around that. We can eliminate Fritzi from the equation altogether.

Ambassador Seddon: That sounds like two military leaders speaking here. How do we eliminate Fritzi?

Cdr Goddard: Well, uh, one phone call, frankly, would do it.

Ambassador Seddon: Your military seems much more efficient than ours.

Cdr Goddard: Well, you know...

Ambassador Seddon: In Operation: Pussy, the hydrant is...

Cdr Goddard: The hydrant

Ambassador Seddon: Then you'd be into the Beers zone.

Cdr Goddard: No, no no no no no. The way I read the Treaty, the fire hydrant stays in Slabovia no matter what happens.

Ambassador Seddon: Okay, but that's -- the hydrant's on the line of --

Cdr Goddard: And that's the thing, the part of the agreement between us that we're talking about now, is that, I mean, the land all around, both the surface and the mineral rights and the water rights underneath, is all Beers, right?

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm.

Cdr Goddard: All you'd be giving us, is the surface and the hydrant. In the corridor, the water rights, the mineral rights, would be yours. All we're asking for is the hydrant itself. Now, we eliminate Fritzi, that doesn't eliminate the borders that are drawn up, 'cause, um, Fritzi's done his, uh, duty, as far as I know it. In fact, I could go so far as to say that Fritzi's kind of redundant.

Ambassador Seddon: The border is off Fritzi's tail.

Cdr Goddard: Yeah.

Ambassador Seddon: So depending on where Fritzi is, is where the border is.

Cdr Goddard: So what I'm saying is, you get your pussy in line, wherever you want your border, right?

Ambassador Seddon: And then...

Cdr Goddard: And then we pop Fritzi --

Ambassador Seddon: Ah...

Lt(JG) Clarke: Ooo...

Cdr Goddard: And the borders stay right where they are.

Ambassador Seddon: If we do this right... in theory, we could have Fritzi right where we want him.

Cdr Goddard: Exactly.

Ambassador Seddon: Right down the middle of the fire hydrant, one side Slabovian one side Beers!

Cdr Goddard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not right where we want 'er.

Lt(JG) Clarke: We need the whole hydrant.

Ambassador Seddon: We have the pussy though.

Cdr Goddard: You have the pussy --

Ambassador Seddon: -- and we have the beer.

Cdr Goddard: But we can eliminate both of 'em. On the other hand, the other thing I gotta tell you, is that right now, the USMC have Fritzi in their sights, and we can pop Fritzi anytime we want.

Ambassador Seddon: Oo.

Cdr Goddard: Now I mean, our offer is still more than generous, and would resolve this situation equitably.

Ambassador Seddon: I think it would.

Cdr Goddard: So instead of popping Fritzi so that the fire hydrant gets divided, which is unnecessarily contentious --

Ambassador Seddon: Hmm, okay --

Cdr Goddard: We keep to our agreement --

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm --

Cdr Goddard: The fire hydrant stays Slabovian --

Ambassador Seddon: All the land and --

Cdr Goddard: All the land underneath and the water rights go to Beers --

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm --

Cdr Goddard: Fritzi joins the land underneath --

Ambassador Seddon: Yes. Yes.

Cdr Goddard: Beers builds the megabrewery --

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm...

Cdr Goddard: With an agreement to be our exclusive supplier to the couch potatoes --

Ambassador Seddon: Mm-hm...

Cdr Goddard: Slabovia rebuilds its couch potato economy. The couch potatoes consume more beer. The beer feeds the couch potatoes. The couch potatoes consume more beer. How could this be wrong?

Ambassador Seddon: It can't be. It sounds like we have an equitable agreement.

Cdr Goddard: It does.

Ambassador Seddon: It does. I think we should draw up the papers.

Cdr Goddard: Let's. Shall we get our men on it? But -- first things first. (to Clarke) Put me through to Munn.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Yes, we have a request to connect to the USMC.

Cdr Goddard: (to Seddon) Fritzi's been a pain in the ass too long. (to phone) Okay. All right. That's all right, he's in country... All right, the message goes as follows: "Munn, pop that little fucker Fritzi." Sure. Thanks. (hands phone back to Clarke; to Seddon) We're just waiting for confirmation.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. We will, ah, receive confirmation of Fritzi's demise?

Cdr Goddard: Yes, we will.

Ambassador Seddon: Mm.

Lt(JG) Clarke: I just had a really bad thought.

Cdr Goddard: What's that, Steve?

Lt(JG) Clarke: Well, this whole issue is over the ownership of the hydrant, right? Has anybody asked the hydrant?

Cdr Goddard: The hydrant wants to be Slabovian.

Ambassador Seddon: That's not what the one side told us, though. There's two sides to a fire hydrant.

Cdr Goddard: Yes?

Ambassador Seddon: Maybe we're dealing with a schizophrenic fire hydrant?

Cdr Goddard: It's possible. However, Slabovia is well known for its advanced treatment of schizophrenia. Just ask Marcus Dostie -- Marcus Dostie is our finest, FINEST neurosurgeon general in the dealing of matters of schizophrenia, as witness his dealings with Lord Ryder earlier this year.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Indeed.

Cdr Goddard: Indeed.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Exceptional.

Cdr Goddard: Exceptional -- very, VERY rapid resolution to the problem of schizophrenia, which is a terrible, terrible disease.

Ambassador Seddon: No it's not. Yes it is. No it's not.

Cdr Goddard: Ah.

Ambassador Seddon: Pardon? You were saying?

Cdr Goddard: I understand.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Don't we have some videotape somewhere? Discussions with fire hydrants?

Cdr Goddard: No we don't.

Lt(JG) Clarke: I could have sworn I saw that in the files...

Cdr Goddard: No you couldn't.

Ambassador Seddon: So this will be sent to King Bud for his seal of approval.

Cdr Goddard: Certainly. We can sign, or shake hands on that.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes, I believe that's a done deal.

Cdr Goddard: And it simply remains for our heads of state to actually sign the documents and, you know... formalities... technicalities...

Ambassador Seddon: Yes... yes... but they technically can knock the wheels right out from underneath us -- a well-oiled machine like we've become today and... let's just hope that all goes well.

Cdr Goddard: To Beers.

Ambassador Seddon: Cheers. Cheers. Yay, more beers. Is it warm in here, or is it just me?

Lt(JG) Clarke: It's just you.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah.

Cdr Goddard: Now when exactly is the embargo going to be lifted.

Ambassador Seddon: Would it be possible to place a call?

Lt(JG) Clarke: It certainly would.

Ambassador Seddon: This is a good faith measure on our part -- without documents being signed. That's the way we operate.

Cdr Goddard: And we appreciate it.

Ambassador Seddon: Seeing as it is Saturday, we would like the citizens of Slabovia to enjoy a...

Lt(JG) Clarke: Little bit of a tie-up in the communications bureau, they will let us know when they get things sorted out for you.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah.

Cdr Goddard: Well I think we've done excellent work.

Ambassador Seddon: I think we have too. Both parties are happy -- to some extent.

Cdr Goddard: And I would like to thank King Bud himself on our behalf for supplying the beers that have fueled these negotiations, oiled these negotiations.

Ambassador Seddon: Well. We're always willing and quite happy to be who we are, and that's Beers.

Cdr Goddard: And we appreciate that. We wouldn't want Beers to be anybody but Beers.

Lt(JG) Clarke: No, definitely not.

Ambassador Seddon: And we're not at our best when we're lite Beers. You need full-strength Beers.

Cdr Goddard: Absolutely.

Ambassador Seddon: Magnum Beers.

Cdr Goddard: Ah... How many percentage points is that?

Ambassador Seddon: Uh, about 7.5...

Cdr Goddard: Oh, well, Beers with a true donkey's kick...

Ambassador Seddon: And we have our porno beer, which is XXX, it's currently at 7.3 or 7.9, I believe. But that's for Beers citizens only, for us to export our XXX beer would be... well... I don't know...

The phone rings.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Bore Room. Just a minute, Your Highness. (to Seddon) It's for you.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah. King Bud?

Lt(JG) Clarke: It's Bud.

Ambassador Seddon: (belches into phone) Um, it looks like we've reached an agreement here. Um. Yeah, we get the land, the water, everything. Slabovia keeps the hydrant itself. Yes. Yes. So, I think we should immediately lift the beer trade sanctions that were imposed. Okay, um... yeah, I think that's about it. Yes. Allrighty? Thank you. Bye-bye now. (he hangs up. To Goddard) Okay. Um, he's thrown in an extra keg as well.

Cdr Goddard: What a guy!

Ambassador Seddon: To start off the weekend.

Cdr Goddard: What a guy!

Lt(JG) Clarke: Amazing.

Ambassador Seddon: Yes.

Cdr Goddard: That's why he's King.

Ambassador Seddon: He is, he is. But he's only the King. He's not --

S&Cdr Goddard: The Beer God.

(A knock at the door.)

Cdr Goddard: Come in.

(Cdr MacGillivray comes in)

Ambassador Seddon: What is it with this fellow? Every time he comes in, he brings a piece of paper, and I'm not sure if it's good news or bad news.

Cdr Goddard: Ah! I just have to share this with you.

Ambassador Seddon: The weather again.

Cdr Goddard: No. No, no, no, nono. Unless -- well, this is kind of scattered showers, as it were. This is from the USMC and Lt Munn. "Sorry about the delay, the little mutt wouldn't stay still. Fritzi's tail now in 27 pieces spread over 428 square yards."

Ambassador Seddon: Ah!

Cdr Goddard: "Orientation and centre line impossible to ascertain. Is this good? Wasn't Fritzi a borderline? Sometimes orders don't make sense, but when it comes to making pate, who cares? That was fun. What about the cat? Demon sends."

Ambassador Seddon: Well. You have a very efficient military.

Cdr Goddard: Thank you very much.

Ambassador Seddon: I'm more than pleased.

Cdr Goddard: Despite our best intentions, it has become so.

Ambassador Seddon: That only took -- wow. So we have a dead dog and a keg of beer.

Cdr Goddard: What could be better -- on a Slabovian Saturday Night?

(This cracks Clarke up)

Cdr Goddard: All we need now is an excursion to Kowtowtown for some tipping.

Ambassador Seddon: Kowtowtown?

Lt(JG) Clarke: You're on your way!

Cdr Goddard: Close by.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Close by.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah....

Cdr Goddard: Approaching Dumdum, where the bullets are made.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Oh, right.

Ambassador Seddon: Dumdum bullets? You have dumdum bullets?

Cdr Goddard: Mmmmmm, nope.

Lt(JG) Clarke: So, um...

Cdr Goddard: Perhaps I should get our Documents Centre to draw up a provisionary document?

Ambassador Seddon: Ahhh, we can do this on a handshake, can't we?

Cdr Goddard: Certainly. We've already shaken hands. It has been recorded.

Ambassador Seddon: Recorded?

Cdr Goddard: Yes, we've been recording this. (to Clarke) Didn't you tell him?

Ambassador Seddon: Nnnnnno, sir. Risk to security.

Cdr Goddard: We'll erase the tapes. That's...

Ambassador Seddon: I'm not sure any of this can be, uh...

Cdr Goddard: Well, the handshake itself, of course, needs to be documented. Okay. Wait one moment and we'll, we'll fix this problem.

Ambassador Seddon: I'm not too certain. How do you turn that thing off?

Cdr Goddard: There we go. It's off.

Ambassador Seddon: It's dead?

Cdr Goddard: It's dead. Now, the handshake we need to record.

Ambassador Seddon: We did do the handshake already. Didn't you record it?

Cdr Goddard: Yes yes yes, yes we did.

They Toast

Lt(JG) Clarke: So, we have kept with the traditions of Beers and celebrated with them, now we -- an act of goodwill, celebrate with a Slabovian tradition.

Ambassador Seddon: He's teasing us by pouring it slowly.

Cdr MacGillivray: Yeah, really.

Lt(JG) Clarke: You handle it gently.

Ambassador Seddon: As to not to bruise it. Is this a ritual mixing that I don't know about?

Lt(JG) Clarke: It is.

Cdr Goddard: I propose that, in honour of this agreement, we pour together the liquids of Beers and Slabovia --

Ambassador Seddon: Ah yes, in a melting --

Cdr Goddard: A melting pot... of Vitamin C and Vitamin B -- is there more in there?

Ambassador Seddon: Uh, we can... Doh!

Lt(JG) Clarke: Wait.

Ambassador Seddon: I believe the union between Beers and Slabovia is much stronger now.

Cdr Goddard: I believe so as well. Gentlemen --

Cdr MacGillivray: Caustic, perhaps --

Cdr Goddard: To Beers and Slabovia -- and to the fire hydrant.

Lt(JG) Clarke: To Beers and Slabovia and the fire hydrant.

Ambassador Seddon: And... Rest in peace, Fritzi.

(They all crack up)

Lt(JG) Clarke: Rest in peace, Fritzi.

(They drink the Coke-Beer mix).

Cdr Goddard: Delicious.

Cdr MacGillivray: Well.

Lt(JG) Clarke: Lovely.

Ambassador Seddon: Is that thing on?

Cdr Goddard: Mm-hm.

Ambassador Seddon: Ah, okay, I just didn't see the flashing light.

END TRANSCRIPT