24 Jan 2005

GNUSWEEK 24 JAN 05

SLABOVIA GAINS TWO NEW PRESIDENTS

(Upper Slabovian Annex) Earlier this week, the USA formally inaugurated W.W. Gush as its President. After being sworn at through a tracheotomy tube by the most senile and decrepit member of the government – a tradition that goes back to the founding of the USA by Christopher Columbus – Gush prompty vowed to install Freedom by force in a series of nations to be chosen randomly in a Freedom Lottery, to be held at a classified time in an undisclosed secure location. "Self-government," said Gush, a C-minus student, alcoholic and cocaine addict who deserted the Slabovian National Guard, "relies, in the end, on the governing of the self."

On the other side of Slabovia, the Nukrainian election nightmare finally came to an end when Victor Nukechenko was officially sworn at as its President. Nukechenko staged a Cinderella-story, come-from-behind win after being poisoned, stabbed, shot, bombed, and prank-called by longtime President Victor Nukemvich. Defeated in the first two rounds of the election, Nukechenko was awarded Do-Overs after the Supreme Court ruled that in the first election he had to tie his shoelaces; and in the second Nukemvich falsely invoked "Car". Victor "Not Dead Yet" Nukechenko promised in his inaugural speech to get closer to Slabovia. "We are no longer on the edge of Slabovia," he said. "We are situated in the centre of Slabovia," Crews will begin moving Nukraine to the centre of Slabovia Wednesday.

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